The beginning of 2014 was such an amazing time for my
husband and me. We would be coming up on our 2 year anniversary in June of that
year and we felt it was the right time to start a family. My husband had just received
a full time position at his company which meant better benefits and the timing
of everything in our life was really lining up. We prayed and prayed about it
and felt like we were going to start out 2014 with some pretty exciting
changes. We got pregnant right away and could not have been happier. I have
always wanted to be a mom. I felt like it was the one thing in life that God
made me for. I could not wait to start this new journey. As we went in for our
first doctor’s appt, we found out that something wasn’t right. A week and a
half later I ended up miscarrying that pregnancy. I can remember the pain so clearly
even as I write this. I was so mad and confused at God. I didn’t know why he
would do this to us. We prayed so hard for a baby and everything seemed to be
in place. I questioned my purpose and wondered if I was wrong all along-did God
really have this for me or do I just want something I will never get.
In the days and weeks following the heartbreak of losing our
first child, I cannot tell you how much God showed up in our life. It felt like
my husband’s faith grew 10-fold overnight! I had never seen or heard him pray
and talk the way he was during that time. I was amazed at how, in this really
difficult time, so much strength was being shown in our life. Don’t get me
wrong, there were a lot of hard days, there are still some really hard days,
but I cannot deny how God showed up for us during that time. Five months later, we were pregnant with a
very healthy and strong pregnancy. Our daughter was born in Feb of 2015. I had
no complications with the pregnancy or labor, but it was spiritually
challenging. I googled still birth symptoms way too many times, I fought so
much anxiety and thought worst case scenarios all the time. But the thing about
my daughter, Olive, is that literally everyday she has been on this earth-I
have not been able to deny God’s goodness. She is an amazing girl that shines
God’s light so brightly. I had to learn that my life, my child’s life is not my
own. We were bought with a price and we belong to a mighty, mighty God. I had
to see that no matter what happened God was holding us.
So fast forward almost a year and my husband and I were
ready to try for child #2, got pregnant right away, AGAIN! We couldn’t be
happier. I prayed to God that we wouldn’t have to go through anymore loss and
that I was confident in Him that I was going to carry this baby just as
successfully as I did Olive. We unfortunately ended up losing that pregnancy as
well. It was so hard for me to wrap my head around the idea that I, someone who
feared God, who followed Him every day, that strives to do with will, had to go
through this again. But every time I would have a rough day or question my
purpose again, I would look over to my amazing little girl and see God’s
promises. I saw His faithfulness, His provision, His guidance; I saw His
goodness as I watched my spunky, smart, little one year old run around the
house putting a smile on everyone’s face.
I sit here now writing this 27 weeks pregnant with a
healthy, very active growing baby inside me. I had to make the choice that no
matter what my life circumstances looked like, that God was in them. I couldn’t
find anywhere in the Bible that God didn’t show up for His children, that He
didn’t hold true to the promises to His people. I had to believe that God was
who He said he was. That when I looked away from Him or would take matters into
my own hands, that was when the chaos ensued.
God says that in this world we will have difficulty and
trials, BUT take heart HE has overcome the world. (John 16:33) We can choose to
live our life planning it out based on what WE think is perfect timing, what we
think is the perfect job, etc. But if we never allow God to insert himself into
our ‘perfect’ little world, we will miss out of the goodness that He has for
us. (Proverbs 16:9) My life is nowhere near perfect. I am not where I thought I
would be in life. Based on the world’s standards, I am pretty average, maybe
even below average. I don’t own a house, I don’t have a career, we live on a
pretty strict budget, we have experienced a lot of hurt and heartache, but I am
seriously the happiest I have ever been.
"I have told
you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have
trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." [ john 16:33]
I have planned a lot of things in my life and many of those
plans have failed. I have learned that through those failed plans, God has
given me something so much greater than I could have imagined. He has given me
hope that things will work out for the good of those who love him (Romans 8:28),
that He will never leave me or forsake me (Deuteronomy 31:6) , and that He is
faithful to His promises (2 Tim 2:13).
So next time your plans fail, you don’t get the job you
wanted, a friendship falls apart, you go through a breakup-whatever it may
be-believe that God has something to teach you in that. That this heartbreak
will make you stronger if you lean into it and let God reveal himself to you.
Believe in God’s perfect timing. There are still a lot of things that God has
put on my heart for my life that I haven’t received yet, but I am trusting that
He will not fail me, but that He is preparing me for that time. (Ephesians 2:10)
“For we are God's
handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in
advance for us to do." [Eph. 2:10]
I am choosing to stand on the mountain top alone, like Moses
did (read Exodus), and commune with the King of the World and allow Him to mold
me and shape me into that person He wants me to be so that I can do the great
work that He has set before me . There
is no mountain high enough or valley low enough that will deter me from my God.
My prayer is that you are able to see the ways God is molding and shaping you.
He may be using heartbreak and heartache, but believe me, things will always
turn back to His goodness and glory. Open yourself up to that possibility in
your life-God does have something amazing and good in store for you, the Bible
tells us so. (Jeremiah 29: 11-14).
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope
and a future.Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your
heart. I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the
nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried
you into exile.” [Jer. 29:11-14]
