What does it really mean to say, 'Not my will but yours be done, Lord'?

I’ve spent the majority of my life doing what I wanted. I’ve never had been a super rebellious person, I mean I did go through a little bit of a ‘wild’ stage in college, but nothing crazy. Most of my decisions seemed to line up with a Godly perspective and I felt good about all the things I was doing. I was doing ministry and living out my faith, in what I thought, was a great way. It wasn’t until a couple years ago that I started this prayer of ‘Not my will, but yours be done, Lord’. Now I probably started praying this prayer because I thought it was the ‘Christian’ thing to do and not really understanding fully what that prayer really meant. This prayer has really rocked my world. I have gone through a lot in the last 2-3 years. I am just a couple weeks out from having our second baby but I have actually been pregnant 4 times in the last 2 years (2 miscarriages and 2 full term pregnancies-I’m 37 weeks right now), and that alone has been an emotional roller coaster. But on top of the whole becoming a mom thing, I have went back and then quit my old job, tried to start my own business, battled through some tough relationships, went through a financial overhaul, and so much more and a lot of these things I am still working through. Even before these past few years I have walked through a lot-losing my dad suddenly in college, transferring colleges twice, building then loosing then building friendships, getting married, the list goes on and on. But since praying the prayer for God’s will to reign in my life I have realized something: The life I was living before was a good life, my faith was strong, God was doing great things in my life, but my foundation wasn’t really in Him. My highs were really high and my lows were really low. My emotions were taking over how I was responding to the circumstances in my life. My life was unstable, therefore I was unstable. I was all over the place.

Now this ‘emotions taking over’ is still something that I struggle with-especially being pregnant- but the Lord just recently revealed something to me. I have been making everything about me. I was taking everything personally and unable to find my true self in my circumstances, because I was putting my identity in how my circumstances were rather than the security and foundation of Christ. I just started reading this book, along with some of my other family members called ‘What Happens When Women say Yes to God’ by Lysa TerKeurst (she is an amazing author, by the way). I am literally only a chapter in, but God has already wrecked me. Lysa tells story after story about when she started saying ‘Yes’ to that still, small voice and the ripple effect that it had not only in her life but the lives around her. She thought about all the times she heard that voice and had told God ‘No’-what opportunities did she miss out on? And as I sat there reading it, I could think of at least 2 opportunities just that previous week that I heard that voice calling me to do something and I said ‘No, I’m too busy’ ‘No, that’s not really God’ ‘No, what am I going to get out that?’.

It has always been about me. It has been about what I get out of circumstances, how it will impact my life, etc. I hadn’t taken the time to think about the story that God had in all of it. I’m not in charge, I’m not in control…if I am really praying the prayer ‘Your will be done, not mine, Lord’ then I am supposed to be following God’s calling and leading. It doesn’t matter what I get out of it-it is ALL about Him.

How unselfish we have to become in order to allow God’s will to reign in our lives. Truly I think that the hardest thing I have been battling with God the last week or so has been my selfishness. I think that I deserve this or that because I went through this or that. Because I struggled through life, I deserve to get this blessing. The truth is that there is no blessing or thing on this earth that will EVER compare to the blessing of eternal life that God has gifted us. And that gift we do not even come close to deserving. Because of God’s love and grace we are able to experience eternity in His presence and here I sit thinking that I deserve to have these earthly things given to me to, what? Make me feel better? No-God deserves my whole self, my whole mind, body and spirit and when He says, ‘Go!’ I say ‘Yes, Lord, your will be done.’

This past weekend God laid something on my heart to do, which he actually laid on my heart earlier too, but I said ‘No, thank you.’ (ha.) But this time I said ‘Yes, Lord’. It wasn’t a very strong and enthusiastic ‘Yes’, but nonetheless, it was a ‘yes’. My prayer is that God is glorified and truly this act that He is calling me to is a very humbling and not self-gratifying at all. I pray that God can be lifted high, because He so truly deserves to be. I don’t want to live for myself anymore. I don’t want to hurt those around me anymore because of my self-deserving thinking. I don’t want to say ‘No’ to God anymore even when we don’t know what will come or don’t understand where it is leading. I truly want God’s will to reign in my life. I know this requires sacrifice and daily commitment. I know that I will not always succeed at this calling, but I serve a God who loves and will pick me up when I fall down.  I know that there will be days when I am standing alone with no one but God supporting me and then were will be days where I am surrounded by a great community of witnesses. I want my eyes to be focused on God and God alone. I will strive to focus on the things unseen and not seen-the things that are everlasting and forever, not fleeting. I understand this is a great task I have set before myself and if you are reading this and know me well you probably have your speculations, but I ask that you pray for me. Pray that I am able to seek after God in the midst of struggle, in the midst of the enemy’s attack and stand firm. I know this will not be an overnight change, but with God’s help I can make change day by day, minute by minute.

If you desire to live this life too-I pray for you. I pray for your spirit to be awakened to God’s wonderful and amazing plan for you. And I will be standing right here, cheering you on. Do not be afraid to contact me and even if it just for prayer, I will pray. Let’s not do this alone, let us come before God and allow Him to open up the glory that He has for us.

You are amazing God. Thank you for that still, small voice that you use to speak over our life. Thank you for your love and grace when we say ‘no’ to you. Thank you for the patience you have with us when we are being difficult and your ever so amazing faithfulness to us when we repent and come back to you. I am sorry for all the times I have, and will, say ‘No.’ Hear my heart when I humbly accept the call you place before me and say ‘yes’. Thank you for never leaving us nor forsaking us. You truly are a God that deserves to be exalted high and lived fully for. I am so in love with you and look forward to the road you have placed in front of me…even though I don’t always understand or know what will happen…I choose to trust you. 

I'm not listening to your lies anymore, Devil....

I hate the devil. I hate his scheming ways and how he manipulates truth. I hate how he creeps into our thoughts and makes us doubt the people that we are. I know that today is Mama Monday, but I’ve been dealing with this feeling this past week and today it just hit a high. I’m tired of doubting myself and what I am supposed to be doing. It isn’t just my mom abilities, but also my wife abilities, and my sister and daughter abilities. I have struggled with self-worth most of my life and there have been moments in life where I am pretty good at fighting those issues with truth, but it’s something that I continually struggle with everyday. I was just thinking about this verse in church yesterday because it is one of my favorites and been a part of my life for sometime:

Ephesians 3:20-21  Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

We used these verses at my Dad’s funeral and ever since then, I have loved reading them time and again. But yesterday my pastor brought in up in church- though I honestly can’t remember his exact reason, but in the moment I thought-God I have loved this verse and believed this verse for so many years, but I still feel like I haven’t seen it play out in my life. His answer to me was again, like always, simple…He said, ‘That’s because you are not allowing me to do my work in your life. You are taking over control and not allowing my spirit to move in your life.’ I was amazed at how quick His response came and honestly how humbled it made me feel. I have realized that I have continued to look at my life through my own eyes and the eyes of the world. I have allowed the devil to creep into my mind and manipulate me. I have allowed him to make me believe that if I just try hard enough or work hard enough, I will be able to do anything. Doesn’t this sound familiar? It brings me back to Genesis when sin first entered the world. When Satan tempted Eve and Eve believed his lie-that we are able to ‘Be God’ by ourselves and that God is keeping something from us. I’m tired of this lie; I’m tired of how this lie has taken over our lives and our world. I want to experience God’s power and His ability to do FAR MORE than we could ever ask or imagine. I want to be the best mom, wife, sister, daughter, friend that I can be and the only way I can do that is through the power of Christ. Allowing God to control my life and be the center will bring the ‘immeasurably more’, immeasurably more peace, love, self-control, kindness, patience…all the fruits of the spirit. That is what I want. That is what I want for my family and friends. That is what I want for you-for you to stop believing the lies that Satan is telling you and grasp the great power of Christ. It requires sacrifice and humility, but that sounds a lot better than the unfilled life that the Devil promises. I’ll take the road less traveled; the road that seems small and narrow, because I know that through all the struggle, that road leads to eternal glory with the eternal God.

So take that Devil, throw everything you got at me, I know I will stumble, I know I will struggle, but my eyes are on the everlasting God who’s power is FAR greater than yours and He has already won the battle. He has already won my heart and soul-nothing can separate me from Him-not even your stupid, annoying lies.

God, I am chasing after you. I am allowing your control to reign in my life. I know I will stumble and struggle, but I also know that you are always with me and ready to pick me up when I fall down. Thank you for your grace, thank you for your gift of abundant life. I will strive everyday to let your love overflow me and penetrate my mind so that I look to your truth and am able to combat the lies throw at me.

And to you, reader, I pray for you. I pray over you that you are able to combat the lies that the Devil will in evidently throw at you. I pray that you are seeking His truth and the life that God has for you. It is far greater than the life the Devil has for you. Remember God’s life leads to eternal glory with Him, the Devil’s life leads to eternal pain and suffering-which would you rather chase after? God is with you always and I pray that you experience that today.

You are Stronger than You Think!

Have you ever asked God why He gave you the children He did? If I’m being honest, I ask this question a lot to Him. Not because I don’t love my little girl or that she is super difficult to deal with, it’s more so that I don’t feel qualified or skilled enough to raise her. She is such a strong-willed little girl and just has a way of pushing my buttons…even at 22 months! Though I know this is probably more common than I let myself believe, I just had one of those weeks last week. By Thursday I was texting my husband that I just couldn’t do this anymore. I just couldn’t handle the whining and push back I was getting with Olive. Now this probably more stemmed from my own issues than really what Olive was doing, but have you ever gotten to that point in motherhood? Where you just want to pack up your stuff and go sleep in a quiet, dark hotel room where putting a ‘Do not Disturb’ sign on your door is actually acceptable? That was me by the end of last week.  But thankfully I serve a God that knows my needs and shows up in ways that I can never anticipate. 

I think something that I have learned about motherhood is that we usually are a lot stronger than we think. I just remember thinking that I felt like I couldn’t go on, that I just wanted to go into my room and sleep, but I couldn’t, I had a toddler and myself to take care of. On top of feeling super inadequate last week we had a follow up appointment with an ear, nose and throat doctor on Wednesday to see if Olive needed tubes due to her ear infections the last few months. On Wednesday her ears were clear and not infected, but by Friday we ended up taking Olive into urgent care to only find out she had yet another ear infection. I just couldn’t believe it. I questioned God, ‘Why couldn’t this have come up on Wednesday when we were already here, why do we keep having to deal with this??’ His answer to me was simple. He so lovingly told me, ‘Jordyn, I wanted to show you how strong you really are.’

Now this revelation hit me like a ton of bricks because just a few days earlier I had been struggling with God about my strength. I remember before I had kids how I was a go-getter, and chased after my dreams and didn’t let up. These days I am too tired to bring the laundry downstairs to the washing machine. But in that moment when going to the pharmacy once again, God revealed the strength that I have in him. We don’t know what life is going to throw at us, we don’t know what our kids are going to do today or tomorrow, but when we seek after God and pursue His strength, we will surprise ourselves at how strong we really are. 

Now I know that this is a season of my life-having little babies and making little babies, but even in the seasons where we feel weak or unproductive, God still has something for us. Our strength may look a little different or we may have to ask for help a little more often, but that is not a sign that we have failed or are not doing enough. God has a way of showing up in the everyday, sometimes annoying, situations in life. My husband so graciously reminded me that Jesus so often taught his disciples through parables, not clear and concise stories. Sometimes I think He did that so we did the searching and not just let things fall into our lap. We all will have our difficult days; days where we break down time after time, but remember that God created you for this and He will give you the strength you need to get through the situations. All we need to do it call out to him. 

On our way home from the doctor Friday night, I told my husband that I think God gave me Olive to remind me just how strong I really am. I am not a perfect mom, by no means, but in Christ I can do all things. So the next time you are having a tough day, or your littles are driving you crazy, take that moment and cry out to God. Allow Him to encounter your chaos and give you peace. I am still tired today, but I must say, I have a new found strength that is not really in the form of energy, but more patience. I see myself not getting so worked up anymore. So let that be an encouragement to you-God does really show up in the everyday and remember, you ARE stronger than you think you are! Praying for you all today! Happy Mama Monday! 

Where does your help come from?

I feel like I am singing the same song these days, but boy am I exhausted! I mean I guess being almost 9 months pregnant with a very active toddler who has recently decided that she does not want to sleep by herself and is very clingy would do that to you. I had a breakdown to my husband early this week about this-being exhausted. I was telling him how I felt like I couldn’t be there for my daughter the way she needed because I can barely get down to the floor to play with her or go to a fun store because just the thought of taking her in and out of the car makes me tired. He was asking me what I needed and how he could help. I told him that I needed help; I just wanted to be able to take a nap during the day without worrying about what Olive would get into. I laid in bed complaining to him about my circumstances and his response was ‘Let’s pray!’ As much as I love my husband for having that response, I was a little annoyed at first. I thought, ‘what is prayer going to do for me in this moment?!’ (Real Christian response huh? Ha.) But as he was praying for me and laying hands on my belly, God reminded me of something I had heard at church this past Sunday. Our pastor was telling a story of an interaction he had with his niece over the weekend. He and his family had celebrated Christmas over Thanksgiving so the kids had some presents to open. His niece was trying to open one of her toys that had those ridiculous packaging contraptions, and she couldn’t get it open. So she walked up to our pastor and asked him to help her with it. Our pastor went and got a scissors and was able to easily open it up. He said that instead of getting frustrated trying to open the toy all by herself-which she probably never would have been able to, she went to an adult-someone she knew would be able to help-and got exactly what she needed. Our pastor compared this to how we sometimes deal with God. Do you go to him when we need help and allow him to work in our circumstances, or do we spend all this time and energy trying to fix something we will not be able to do ourselves.

So while Mutzie was praying for me I realized that the help that I need is waiting right in front of me every day. All I need to do is come to the feet of Jesus and allow him to encounter my exhaustion and work in ways that I cannot do myself. The thing is that I haven’t necessarily gotten all that much sleep or been all that more active during the day, but I will say that I have a peace in me that allows me to give myself grace when I can’t do the things I want. I do have the patience to give myself and my daughter when the days get long. I know that I can call upon my Heavenly Father ANYTIME and He will answer me. Spending time in His presence, listening to worship music and allowing it to fill our home-those are ways to allow God to ‘help’ you.

I don’t know what your circumstances look like today or this week, but I know that if you need help, if you need a sense of peace to overwhelm you-call on your Father. Humble yourself and allow you to fall at the feet of grace and partake in the goodness that is our God. It takes work, it takes a willingness to look at things differently, but I do know that in the end, it’s all worth it.

I will probably be singing this ‘exhaustion song’ for awhile since I don’t imagine my sleep getting all that better after baby #2 comes, but I know where my help comes from, I know where I get my strength from and that alone will allow me to find joy and peace in the daily grind. I pray this over you today-that you may find strength and help from your Father in heaven who so freely gives to His children and desires to be there for you-if you only allow him to be. Praying for you all today. Remember, God always has something extraordinary for you to experience, let’s go out there and find it! 

Psalm 121 (NIV)

¹ I lift up my eyes to the mountains—

    where does my help come from?

² My help comes from the Lord,

    the Maker of heaven and earth.

³ He will not let your foot slip—

    he who watches over you will not slumber;

⁴ indeed, he who watches over Israel

    will neither slumber nor sleep.

⁵ The Lord watches over you—

    the Lord is your shade at your right hand;

⁶ the sun will not harm you by day,

    nor the moon by night.

⁷ The Lord will keep you from all harm—

    he will watch over your life;

⁸ the Lord will watch over your coming and going

    both now and forevermore.

How my Husband has Shaped Me as a Mom

So it is my husband’s birthday today. It’s his last one before he turns 30, but to be honest I think we are both looking forward to our 30s. Not that our 20s were so bad, but that we are excited for the things we feel God is leading us towards in the next few years. But I wanted to take this opportunity on this Mama Monday to give you a little insight to how Matt has shaped me as a mom.

Side note: my husband’s name is Matt, but we all call him Mutzie, one main reason is that one of my other sisters also married a Matt, but I always get the question, ‘Where did the name Mutzie come from?’ No, I did not come up with this myself; it is actually something that he has had most of his life. One of his grandpa’s was Finnish and in Finnish ‘Matt’ is something along the lines of ‘Mutzie’ so that is where it came from, so from here on out, I will refer to Matt as Mutzie. Ha.

So Mutzie is not a kid person at all so when we found out we were pregnant we had a lot of conversations about what it would be like to be parents. I had all the confidence in the world about being a mom, but Mutz was always unsure how he would be. I would tell him time and again that he would be the perfect dad for our kids because they are his, not anyone else’s. Well I have to tell you that since having our daughter, I have seen Mutz grow in ways that I never anticipated. Instead of me teaching him to be a good dad, he has taught me to be a way better mom. He has helped me learn how and when to step back and let Olive figure it out, he has helped me put so many things in perspective, like when Olive was little and was taking a bottle and I would get all worked up when she would choke a little bit and Mutz said to me ‘What is she going to choke on? She is on a liquid diet!’. Haha. He is truly the perfect counterpart for me in this thing called motherhood and I am so incredibly thankful to God for blessing me with him.

Now I am fully aware that this is my story, that not every husband and dad is there for their wife or kids, or maybe he was taken away too soon, but over the last couple years, God has revealed himself to me through Mutzie time and time again. I realized that if this earthly man loves me enough to go through raising kids with me and battling through the hardship that is life, how much more does God love and support me as a mom.

God wants to be on your side during motherhood, even if your spouse is super Dad, God is always there ready to lend a hand, be a shoulder to cry on and an energy boost when you need it. I know that God can’t physically hold your baby when he or she is crying in the middle of the night, but He can hold you if you just cry out to him. God is your biggest fan and cheering you on saying, ‘Go, Mom, Go!’ ‘You got this’ ‘I created you do to this’ ‘I am right here!’.

Now I think my husband is a rockstar Dad and husband, but he too fails me. He is human for that matter, and I have learned that if I put too much of my hope and trust in Mutz to provide me what I need to be a mom, I will come up short. I have to put God in the number one spot; He has to be the one that I get my strength and identity from. If Mutzie was taken from me, would I still be able to mom and love my kids the way they need? It would be so difficult, but I know that God would be with me every step providing all I need for the situations I find myself in. So why not start living life like that now? Why not be thankful for the blessings of an amazing husband and father to my children, but remember that it is still all about God-that I will always find what I need with and through Him- for that is the only way that I will be able to be the best mom I can be.

So as I celebrate my husband today and the life that he has been given, I celebrate all of you moms too. The moms with awesome husbands who get up in the middle of the night to help with that crying baby, and to the moms whose husbands seem distant or aren’t around at all. Remember that your Heavenly Father is there for you. He is there with you in the middle of the night, during the tantrum that your toddler is throwing, or providing you the wisdom to deal with your teenager. Cry out to him and He will answer, He is the best support that you could get. He knows you better than you know yourself and He is just a prayer away.

So Happy 29^th Birthday Mutzie! I pray that today you feel loved and celebrated by all those around you. I pray that God continues to bless you in your life and that you continue to seek after Him with your whole heart. Thank you for being an amazing example to the world around you and reminding me the type of love and grace that God pours out to His children. You truly are a man after God’s heart and I pray that those that read this can be encouraged by your example. Olive and I love you so much and are so thankful for all you do for us! 

Waiting for something far more valuable

The other day my husband got out of our car and walked over to my side and said, ‘I don’t want you to freak out, okay?’ Now let’s be honest, who would not have the natural reaction to actually freak out after that, but I calmly said, ‘Okay, what?’ He went on to tell me that it looks like someone broke into our car and stole our change bin. Now we had this change bin in our center console that probably totaled a sum of $5 or so-not all that much money, but it was a little tough thinking that someone got into our car. So after reminding myself to stay calm, my amazing husband starting talking about how he prays the money blessed that person and that God can use this to His glory, etc, etc. Pretty awesome response huh? Well I didn’t exactly response as Godly, ha. I was saying things like, what if they broke into the garage and stole it, maybe they took something else, blah blah blah. And my husband’s response really got me thinking, he said-the person who probably stole this just needed something quick, they didn’t take the time to look around and get something that could have been worth more, they just wanted that immediate cash.

I reason why this thief got me thinking was because God revealed something to me in that moment. How often do we just get our quick fix from God and think, ‘that’s all I need’. Rather than putting in the time and effort to find something far more valuable. Now I understand it is weird to compare this stealing circumstance to our faith, but just hear me out.

We live in such a ‘right now’ society. We want that immediate response to make us feel better in that moment, but how long would that moment really last? Like how far is that $5 really going to get that person in life? Not far, but it probably did suffice some immediate need. How many times to do we go to God when we have a problem, He fixes it, and we go on with our life without Him again? Yes, our God is a gracious God that loves His children and will do anything for them, but how disappointing knowing that God could, and usually does, have something far more valuable for us if we were only to take the time to spend it with him.

I spent a lot of my years following God with that mentality, the one where I only go to God when I really needed him, otherwise I could do everything else on my own. It wasn’t until things out of my control were taken from me and I was faced with a choice. I could see God as an unloving, mean father, or one that has a bigger, greater plan for His children and that we needed to chase after that. It took a long time for me to get to that place of contentment with Him. I am still working on that place of contentment, but the more time I spend with God, the more peace I feel in life. The funny thing is that His word tells us that over and over again. “Cast your cares on Him and He will give you peace.” So why is that so hard for us to do?

The reason-because we have to trust in God’s timing, not ours. God isn’t about making things convenient for us all the time. He’s about His kingdom and His glory.  It’s not about us, it’s about Him. The more we can have that mentality, the easier it becomes to sit in His presence for as long as he calls us to.  We cannot know exactly what is around the corner for us, but we can know that when God is leading us, it will be good. It takes hard work and discipline, but when we chose to take the time and effort to pursue our Creator and His plan for us, it will be far more valuable than the immediate gratification we so often want. Good things come to those who wait right? Even if that waiting period is years, God still knows your heart’s desire and dreams for your life. Trust him with those things and allow his presence to transform you to something far more valuable. Praying for you all today! 

Dear Mamas....you are not alone!

Being a mom is hard. Whether you are a stay at home mom or a working mom, a mom of older kids or younger-I think we can all agree that this job is hard, but oh so important. I am a mom of an almost 2 year old so I know that my knowledge of being a mom is limited, but something I have realized is that you cannot do this alone. Having support as a mom is so incredibly important, not just for our own sanity but for our kids too. Some of us have the blessing of having a supportive husband, others a supportive friend or family member, but for those of you that are lacking in this department, I pray that God opens up some doors for you because I have seen the blessings come from having other moms in my life to speak truth and make me feel normal.

I have 3 amazing sisters and 1 sister-in-law that have all become moms within a year and a half of each other. One of my younger sisters and I were only 2 month apart in becoming first time moms. God has a funny way of working things out because this younger sister and I have not always seen eye-to-eye over the years, but I think becoming moms so close together was exactly what our relationship needed. We have spent the last almost 2 years calling and texting each other about this and that and telling each other our victories and struggles. Even this morning we talked on the phone and were able to agree that having active toddlers is hard and a lot of days we feel like we aren’t being a good mom. For me, to have someone talk about their struggles and then to think ‘I feel the same way!’ has been such an encouragement as a mom. It is so hard these days not to compare our kids to those around us. Even when we walk into the doctor’s office, we see the percentiles and see how our kids measure up to the other kids in their age group. I have had to fight a lot of lies and struggles over my short time as a mom and I know that I will continue to have to, but having women in my life, real women, who speak truth and reality into me, has really helped me along the way.

You are not the only one struggling. You are not the only one who has questioned whether or not you are being a good mom today. The truth is, you are the perfect mom for your little one. You chose to get up and love your kids everyday and that is the best thing for them. Yes, they will eventually hold their head up, and start to walk and talk and do the things other normal kids do, but remember you are not alone in this. I pray you never feel like you have to walk this alone. If you are searching for support and love and truth, I pray you can find it here. I pray that God can encounter you in your struggles and hard days and show you how much He loves you and cares about you as a mom. Your job is so important, and if no one tells you that today, I will! You are raising little humans! You are doing good work! You may not have a paycheck to show for it or the only things that you do have to show are the dark circles under your eyes, but I get it. We get it. Moms everywhere get it. We are a community of strong, loving, hard working, tired, exhausted moms who just want the best for our kids. So reach out to your mom friends today and tell them they are doing a great job and that you are there for them and that God is there for them. Praying for all you moms today! 

Here's me and my sister with our babies, almost exactly a year ago. All of my sisters and I will all be together next week for Thanksgiving and I cannot wait to get a pic of us with all the new babies that have been born since!! 

Dear Broken,Tired and Afraid....

Man, this week has just been a crazy one! My emotions have been all over the place (that may be due to the fact I am 31 weeks preggo), but not just about our nation, but also personally. This week my daughter has been fighting off the sickness, hand/foot and mouth which is as not fun as the name sounds. So we are on day 4 of sleep deprivation and cartoons. But it was yesterday while I was talking my first shower of the week (thank you Mom life and to my awesome husband for staying home to help out) that I was praying about this nation and my family and asking God to just show up and comfort. I had read so many statuses and updates from people on Wednesday morning that they were afraid and uncertain of the future of America and my heart was broken for these people. This post is not at all about politics or who is right/wrong, but it’s about this epidemic that our country is facing-this sense of feeling afraid, uncertain, broken, and full of pain and hate. So as I was thinking about this, it reminded me of what our family had been dealing with personally the last few days.

So this sickness that Olive is dealing with develops first as a fever that could spike as high as 103. All day on Monday, Olive had a fever and didn’t have much energy. We spent the day cuddling and napping and watching cartoons. Then what happens is that sores develop in and around the mouth, hands and feet. We took Olive into the doctor on Tuesday to find out that her throat was covered in little white sores which explained why she didn’t want to eat or drink much since she was in so much pain. The problem-there is no medication to help with this sickness. It is just pain management and time. I think that is the worst answer you get from doctors because as a parent you want to be able to take away the pain and sickness from your child as soon as possible.

So for the last few days, Olive would wake up just crying in pain because her throat hurt so bad and all my husband and I could do was try to calm her down, rock her, snuggle her, tell her that she was safe  and that we were there for her. It was so hard to watch my daughter deal with that pain, but I knew that is was going to pass soon and that I was doing exactly what I could do at that moment for her.

As I was thinking about this, I realized that this is how God loves us. He tells us in His word that in this world we will have troubles, and pain and things will not go the way we want them too-we do in fact live in a fallen world-but TAKE HEART! God has overcome this world. I just pictured God holding his crying children, just like we held Olive, and holding them tight, whispering ‘It’s gonna be okay, I have you, you are safe and I am always here.’

³³ “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I [God] have overcome the world.”                                      John 16:33

Sometimes it feels like when we follow Christ, we should be able to avoid all bad things, but in fact we are not immune to those things, we do live on earth and this earth is broken, BUT when we surrender to our God, we are given access to heaven and in heaven there will be no more pain, no more sorrow, no more hurt.

“He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever."     Rev. 21:4                         

So my prayer for you, especially those of you that are fearful, uncertain, broken and afraid-God has this. We have to learn to put our trust in Him, not this world. This world is going to be full of disappointment, brokenness, and pain. I am not saying that trusting God will take away all of that, but when we are able to give over to God our fear and anxiety; He is able then to replace that with peace.

“Do not put your trust in princes, in human beings, who cannot save.” Psalm 146:3

“It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in humans.”    Psalm 118:8       

Now I am fully aware that there are many people out there that have some pretty big fears about their future, and I am by no means trying to down play that reality, but what I am saying is that there is NO fear that is bigger than our God. That when we are living life with Him, He will show up in those fears. So for those of you that may be experiencing fear and uncertainty, my home is open to you. It is open to have a conversation about those fears and how God can encounter you. This isn’t just a figurative invitation, this is real. If you need to talk about this, come over, let’s do coffee, let’s have a facebook convo over messenger. God has given us this opportunity as Christians to reach those that need love and kindness. And I know a God that overflows with those qualities.

“⁷ Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. ⁸ Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. ⁹ This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him.”                   1 John 4:7-9                       

My prayer is that you can find peace in this ever so fear-filled world. That when you experience pain, you can find comfort in the arms of your Heavenly Father, holding you tight, telling you ‘It’s going to be okay, I am here, you are safe.’ And if you need a physical hug and someone physically telling you that, I will do that, because I can say with full confidence, that because of my faith in God-‘It’s going to be okay, God is here and we are safe.’ 

You are Chosen!

Before I even formed you in your mother’s womb,
        I knew all about you.
    Before you drew your first breath, I had already chosen you
        to be My prophet to speak My word to the nations.

Jeremiah 1:5 (The Voice)

I’ve always looked at this verse as how God knew us even before we were in our mother’s womb, but God open my eyes to something new over the last year or so that made me look at this verse differently. Since becoming a mom almost 2 years ago, I have struggled with what this new season looks like for me. I decided to become a stay at home mom after a lot of failed attempts to find some type of working gig, but after I made that decision, I could not have been happier. Life seems to be going ‘right’ these days as I stay at home and focus on my daughter and growing family. But even though it all seems ‘right’, there are a lot of days that I struggle in my ‘mom abilities’ and doubt what I am doing.

The Lord ever so lovingly reminds me of this verse in Jeremiah sometimes and what he revealed to me some time ago.  Yes, this verse talks about how well God knows His children and the path that He set before us long ago, but it also touches, ever so briefly on the reality of being a mom. God chose YOU to grow and form your children. I remember it was in a mom’s group that I sat, surrounded by all these what seemed like seasoned moms, doubting my abilities,  and God whispered into my heart that He chose ME to be Olive’s mom and He chose Olive to be mine. Now how cool is that? How cool is that intentionality? The reason why I find it so comforting is that God knew well in advance how I was going to be as a mom and how Olive (and our future children) will be. He wasn’t surprised at the struggles that I faced, or the personality that Olive grew into. No, He knew all of that and still chose us for each other. He chose my womb for the place that Olive grew and became herself. What an honor to know that we were meant for each other.

 I love that this wonderful revelation that God revealed to me shows me that I have every ability and skill needed to raise my children and if I don’t have them right now, God is going to teach me those things. My daughter is just a couple months shy of 2, but I always think of what it will be like when she is a teenager and I get overwhelmed. And then God, in his ever so graceful way, reminds me that I don’t in fact have a teenager so why would I think I would know how to handle one? My job as a mom is to be the best mom I can be, my kids are going to make their own choices in life, but if I am doing my job right then I will be able to rest assured that my kids are in the hands of their heavenly father. And let’s be honest, that is the best place they can be.

So welcome to Mama Mondays. These posts aren’t about telling you how to parent or the best ways to do this or that, this is a place to remind you who you are and what you were created to be. It is a place to find encouragement from the One who created you. The One who created you to be a mom, even if you think you aren’t good enough, smart enough, and creative enough…all those things are a lie from the enemy, who is trying to get you to doubt your purpose. God created you to be a mom to your little ones and the thing about God is that He sees the things that He created as good and perfect. You are the perfect mom for your kids and my heart is to remind you of that. I want to tell you how great of a job you are doing in the midst of the struggles and to point you to the one who has your kids in His hands, holding them tight. Reminding you that when you feel weak, God is made perfect in our weaknesses. God has you in this whole motherhood thing. I pray that my experiences, if you chose to read them, will help reveal the purpose and light that He is shining on you as a mom too.  

What if MY failed plans were apart of GOD'S perfect plan?

The beginning of 2014 was such an amazing time for my husband and me. We would be coming up on our 2 year anniversary in June of that year and we felt it was the right time to start a family. My husband had just received a full time position at his company which meant better benefits and the timing of everything in our life was really lining up. We prayed and prayed about it and felt like we were going to start out 2014 with some pretty exciting changes. We got pregnant right away and could not have been happier. I have always wanted to be a mom. I felt like it was the one thing in life that God made me for. I could not wait to start this new journey. As we went in for our first doctor’s appt, we found out that something wasn’t right. A week and a half later I ended up miscarrying that pregnancy. I can remember the pain so clearly even as I write this. I was so mad and confused at God. I didn’t know why he would do this to us. We prayed so hard for a baby and everything seemed to be in place. I questioned my purpose and wondered if I was wrong all along-did God really have this for me or do I just want something I will never get.

In the days and weeks following the heartbreak of losing our first child, I cannot tell you how much God showed up in our life. It felt like my husband’s faith grew 10-fold overnight! I had never seen or heard him pray and talk the way he was during that time. I was amazed at how, in this really difficult time, so much strength was being shown in our life. Don’t get me wrong, there were a lot of hard days, there are still some really hard days, but I cannot deny how God showed up for us during that time.  Five months later, we were pregnant with a very healthy and strong pregnancy. Our daughter was born in Feb of 2015. I had no complications with the pregnancy or labor, but it was spiritually challenging. I googled still birth symptoms way too many times, I fought so much anxiety and thought worst case scenarios all the time. But the thing about my daughter, Olive, is that literally everyday she has been on this earth-I have not been able to deny God’s goodness. She is an amazing girl that shines God’s light so brightly. I had to learn that my life, my child’s life is not my own. We were bought with a price and we belong to a mighty, mighty God. I had to see that no matter what happened God was holding us.

So fast forward almost a year and my husband and I were ready to try for child #2, got pregnant right away, AGAIN! We couldn’t be happier. I prayed to God that we wouldn’t have to go through anymore loss and that I was confident in Him that I was going to carry this baby just as successfully as I did Olive. We unfortunately ended up losing that pregnancy as well. It was so hard for me to wrap my head around the idea that I, someone who feared God, who followed Him every day, that strives to do with will, had to go through this again. But every time I would have a rough day or question my purpose again, I would look over to my amazing little girl and see God’s promises. I saw His faithfulness, His provision, His guidance; I saw His goodness as I watched my spunky, smart, little one year old run around the house putting a smile on everyone’s face.

I sit here now writing this 27 weeks pregnant with a healthy, very active growing baby inside me. I had to make the choice that no matter what my life circumstances looked like, that God was in them. I couldn’t find anywhere in the Bible that God didn’t show up for His children, that He didn’t hold true to the promises to His people. I had to believe that God was who He said he was. That when I looked away from Him or would take matters into my own hands, that was when the chaos ensued.

God says that in this world we will have difficulty and trials, BUT take heart HE has overcome the world. (John 16:33) We can choose to live our life planning it out based on what WE think is perfect timing, what we think is the perfect job, etc. But if we never allow God to insert himself into our ‘perfect’ little world, we will miss out of the goodness that He has for us. (Proverbs 16:9) My life is nowhere near perfect. I am not where I thought I would be in life. Based on the world’s standards, I am pretty average, maybe even below average. I don’t own a house, I don’t have a career, we live on a pretty strict budget, we have experienced a lot of hurt and heartache, but I am seriously the happiest I have ever been.

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." [ john 16:33]

I have planned a lot of things in my life and many of those plans have failed. I have learned that through those failed plans, God has given me something so much greater than I could have imagined. He has given me hope that things will work out for the good of those who love him (Romans 8:28), that He will never leave me or forsake me (Deuteronomy 31:6) , and that He is faithful to His promises (2 Tim 2:13).

So next time your plans fail, you don’t get the job you wanted, a friendship falls apart, you go through a breakup-whatever it may be-believe that God has something to teach you in that. That this heartbreak will make you stronger if you lean into it and let God reveal himself to you. Believe in God’s perfect timing. There are still a lot of things that God has put on my heart for my life that I haven’t received yet, but I am trusting that He will not fail me, but that He is preparing me for that time.  (Ephesians 2:10)

“For we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." [Eph. 2:10]

I am choosing to stand on the mountain top alone, like Moses did (read Exodus), and commune with the King of the World and allow Him to mold me and shape me into that person He wants me to be so that I can do the great work that He has set before me  . There is no mountain high enough or valley low enough that will deter me from my God. My prayer is that you are able to see the ways God is molding and shaping you. He may be using heartbreak and heartache, but believe me, things will always turn back to His goodness and glory. Open yourself up to that possibility in your life-God does have something amazing and good in store for you, the Bible tells us so.  (Jeremiah 29: 11-14). 

  "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,” declares the Lord, “and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.” [Jer. 29:11-14]

The Conviction, The Challenge, The Change: How putting God first impacted my week...

The Conviction

September has been a really hard month for our family. We have dealt with sickness after sickness and it has really taken a toll on me. My attitude has been horrible and I found myself with no purpose or vision for what life was looking like. I complained time and time to my husband, I had little patience for my daughter and my self-esteem was nowhere to be found. It was amazing to me how down I got on myself.

Last Sunday we got called out of church because our daughter wouldn’t calm down in the nursery. I prayed to God…’What is happening, why is Olive so upset, why is everything feeling so crazy right now??’ His answer was so gracious and loving, but full of great conviction. He asked me, ‘Jordyn, if you want to be the rock for your family why would they be acting normal if you are acting so chaotic and abnormal?’

As I pondered this statement, I knew God was right (but isn’t he always. Ha. ). I have prayed about being the rock for my family-as a wife and mother. I want to bring peace and stability to my family, so why would I think if I am not bringing that to myself, that my family would experience those things. I had to make a change in how I dealt with the stresses and chaos that life would ultimately bring.

The Challenge

So after I realized the conviction God laid on my heart, He followed it up with a challenge. He challenged me to put Him first during the week-to seek Him when life got hard and to dive into His word to look for answers. The thing about this is that I know that is what you do when life gets hard, but for the weeks leading up to this challenge, I was so against hearing from God. I didn’t want to hear the same thing over again ‘I am with you’, ‘Do not fear’, ‘I have a great plan for you’. I didn’t want to hear it because I didn’t think I was worth those promises. So last Sunday I humbled myself and accepted God’s challenge. I decided that no matter what happened, I was going to bring it all to God. I was going to do my daily devotion, even if it was only 10 mins, but I was going to seek God in all things.

Here’s the thing guys-Monday came (the day after I made this commitment) and both my daughter and my husband came down with a new sick sickness. I ended up taking my daughter to urgent care to find out she had an ear infection and then we had to go back to the doctor on Wednesday when she developed a rash. My life circumstances didn’t change much from the weeks before. I still had chaos in my life, I still had a lot of the same stresses that I had before, but my attitude changed. My mind was no longer in the craziness of life; it was rooted in the power of Jesus.

The Change

I love following Christ. I love all the things I have learned about Him and myself through the journey. But what I have learned is that it is not always smooth sailing. Yesterday my pastor was talking about when Jesus walks on the water (Matt. 22-33) and how the storm in that story is normal-there’s nothing abnormal about experiencing a storm. It’s when you look past your circumstance and focus on Jesus when the supernatural happens.

I learned from this challenge that our circumstances may not change all that much when we focus our eyes on Jesus, but it’s our attitude and outlook that can change. It was really hard for me to continue to focus on the sickness that overtook our family. I am 25 weeks pregnant and sleep is not my friend these days, so I am exhausted. I don’t have the patience and energy to be taking care of everyone in my family 24/7, I need time for myself too, but this week as I leaned further and further into Christ, I was able to get energy from Him even when I was up most of the night with either my clingy baby or my coughing husband. What’s amazing about learning a new discipline in our faith is that it doesn’t take just one time to learn it. You have to practice and practice. I know that this is only the beginning of constantly putting Christ first, but what an encouraging week to remind myself of when life gets chaotic again.

So full disclosure here-when I was originally typing this post up, I was sitting at my dining room table, facing my kitchen. I looked up and saw a mouse run across our stove, onto our counter and back behind the wall. This was the second mouse I saw in the last week. Good news: we ended up catching both of them and we haven’t seen any more since! Bad News: my reaction was horrible. I freaked out; I called my husband hysterical and crying, complaining about what to do, etc.

How real is it that in one moment we can talk about changing our attitude towards things and in the next, we are doing the exact opposite.  For so many years I have tried so hard to change things about myself. I would be doing so well and feel so encouraged, until that one time where I had a slip up and reacted the way I had been so hard trying not to do. Over my years and facing these circumstances with true honesty, I realized that I was not accepting the grace that God was offering me. I was being so hard on myself that one mistake made me doubt and question all the work I put in and send me back to step one.

I’ve learned about the importance of grace in learning periods like this. If we truly want to become more like Christ, we have to accept the grace. We have to know that we will make mistakes and fall short. But by the grace of God we are able to rise above those missteps and overcome them. God will give you the resources you need. Mine was my amazing husband reminding me of no matter what happens, God has overcome this world and he spoke truth into my life.

I encourage you to focus on God this week. Focus on His truth and grace. Focus on the life that he has for you. Life is going to be full of storms, full of unexpected curve balls, but if we continue to focus our attention on the Lord of Lords, Creator of the Universe, our Abba Father- those storms may just impact us a little less. Don’t walk this alone. Reach out to the resources God has placed in your life, and if you don’t know who that may be, I am always here for you. You are prayed for, cared for and loved more than you will know. God has a great plan for you.

Romans 3:23, John 16:33, Jeremiah  29:11

Rooted Faith

Honesty is the best policy, right? Well I want to start this journey being honest with you. This is way harder than I anticipated. They say the first step is always the hardest, but really step 2, 3, 4… can be just as hard. It’s after step 1 that the doubt and questioning come in.

I’ve had a pretty tough last week. With sickness and exhaustion wrecking our house, I have not had a lot of motivation to do much-especially pray and seek God about what my next post should be. I have had a couple good breakdowns that I am not too proud of, but they have brought me to a place of honesty with myself and with God.

If you want to know who I am, then welcome to the club. Even after almost 28 years on this earth and following Christ for the majority of those years, I realized that I am continually learning about myself and God. I think that is what is so precious about God himself. He isn’t asking us to come to Him all figured out with no sin to work on. What He does is extend His ever so amazing grace and welcomes us, crap and all, to His family. I am not perfect, though my perfectionist side would never want to admit that, but I have found abundant love and grace in my weaknesses. As someone who has spent a lot of her life proving to other people that I am worth something, that I deserve to be respected, that I am a different person now, I am tired. I am tired of living life for the approval of others. God is the final judge of my life. That is who I am to be seeking approval from. I want Him, at the end of my days, to look me in the eyes and smile and say ‘Well Done, good and faithful servant.’ But if I want that, I’ve got to start being honest.

I thought that starting this blog was going to be about all of you. Reaching people through the worldwide web, talking about who Jesus is and what it looks like to follow him, but what I realized is that this is for me as much as it is for you. The whole reason behind this blog is to experience rooted faith. A faith that is so intertwined with who God is that no matter what happens in life we are still clinging to and praising Jesus. I realized that I need to work on this too. This journey isn’t the end of something that I have come through and now get to tell you about. This journey is about the here and now; the daily struggle of finding myself and my purpose in my new chapter. And right now that new chapter is being a mom. This blog isn’t just for moms or stay at home moms like me, though I will talk about my family a lot. Ha. But this is a place to find true honesty and grace-things I am finding for myself too.

I am rooted in the truth of who God says I am.  There are many days where I fight really hard against the lies the enemy is telling me, but I pray that through this journey we get to find out who God says we all are. The best part is, I know what He says about you and me is really awesome and special. I know that God is good and that He fights for those who love Him. I am excited. I needed this. I need you. I need God. 

Why a blog?

I think I have questioned starting a blog for almost a year now. I had one that I started in college and I did enjoy it, but it wasn't something that I was consistent with. Since becoming a mom about a year and a half ago, I have struggled with God on what my ministry is these days. I have been involved with ministry with young adults for almost 7 years with my husband, but since having our daughter it was hard for me to continue since my heart was always at home. 

I have such a heart to be in relationship with people and share what the Lord has done and is doing in my life so I discussed what that looked with God. I spent a lot of time doing things my own way instead of trusting and relying on God’s timing and purpose. I realized that if I was ever going to do this whole blog thing for real, I was going to have to realize a lot of things about myself and about God. I am not a writer, most days I do not feel worthy of anyone listening to what I have to say, but I realized that God wanted to still use me in my new season of life. I fought starting a blog for so long because I felt like it was what everyone does and I didn’t want to jump on that bandwagon too. But every time I prayed about where God had me, He kept pressing on my heart that He wasn’t done with my leadership and abilities, but that it was going to look a lot different than what I had done in the past. 

I am really good at talking myself out of things. Excuses have become my new friend. But I no longer want to live in that. I have read so many things from women that I look up to and inspire to be and all I hear is ‘You are worth it!’, ‘Chase your dreams’, ‘God has something for you exactly where you are at’. What I realized while reading all this encouraging stuff was that if I wanted to encourage and inspire others, I had to start allowing myself to be inspired and encouraged by other people too. I cannot do this alone and nor do I want to. 

So here I go, I am taking the leap, I am jumping in and seeing where this goes. I heard one day that failure is not trying- so rather than seeing failure as no one reading this, I am seeing it is as, ‘well at least I tried’. The rest is in God’s hands. So here we go, I pray you will take this journey with me. Each and every one of you that reads this mean so much to me and know that even though we may not know each other-I care and pray for you. You are something special. I know that because I realized that about myself-a stay at home mom that is trying to figure out this thing called life. God can and will do great things whether or not I ever see the tangible. I trust him with this.  

Check out my next post coming soon as to who I am and why I am ‘rooted in the Hills.’