What does it really mean to say, 'Not my will but yours be done, Lord'?

I’ve spent the majority of my life doing what I wanted. I’ve never had been a super rebellious person, I mean I did go through a little bit of a ‘wild’ stage in college, but nothing crazy. Most of my decisions seemed to line up with a Godly perspective and I felt good about all the things I was doing. I was doing ministry and living out my faith, in what I thought, was a great way. It wasn’t until a couple years ago that I started this prayer of ‘Not my will, but yours be done, Lord’. Now I probably started praying this prayer because I thought it was the ‘Christian’ thing to do and not really understanding fully what that prayer really meant. This prayer has really rocked my world. I have gone through a lot in the last 2-3 years. I am just a couple weeks out from having our second baby but I have actually been pregnant 4 times in the last 2 years (2 miscarriages and 2 full term pregnancies-I’m 37 weeks right now), and that alone has been an emotional roller coaster. But on top of the whole becoming a mom thing, I have went back and then quit my old job, tried to start my own business, battled through some tough relationships, went through a financial overhaul, and so much more and a lot of these things I am still working through. Even before these past few years I have walked through a lot-losing my dad suddenly in college, transferring colleges twice, building then loosing then building friendships, getting married, the list goes on and on. But since praying the prayer for God’s will to reign in my life I have realized something: The life I was living before was a good life, my faith was strong, God was doing great things in my life, but my foundation wasn’t really in Him. My highs were really high and my lows were really low. My emotions were taking over how I was responding to the circumstances in my life. My life was unstable, therefore I was unstable. I was all over the place.

Now this ‘emotions taking over’ is still something that I struggle with-especially being pregnant- but the Lord just recently revealed something to me. I have been making everything about me. I was taking everything personally and unable to find my true self in my circumstances, because I was putting my identity in how my circumstances were rather than the security and foundation of Christ. I just started reading this book, along with some of my other family members called ‘What Happens When Women say Yes to God’ by Lysa TerKeurst (she is an amazing author, by the way). I am literally only a chapter in, but God has already wrecked me. Lysa tells story after story about when she started saying ‘Yes’ to that still, small voice and the ripple effect that it had not only in her life but the lives around her. She thought about all the times she heard that voice and had told God ‘No’-what opportunities did she miss out on? And as I sat there reading it, I could think of at least 2 opportunities just that previous week that I heard that voice calling me to do something and I said ‘No, I’m too busy’ ‘No, that’s not really God’ ‘No, what am I going to get out that?’.

It has always been about me. It has been about what I get out of circumstances, how it will impact my life, etc. I hadn’t taken the time to think about the story that God had in all of it. I’m not in charge, I’m not in control…if I am really praying the prayer ‘Your will be done, not mine, Lord’ then I am supposed to be following God’s calling and leading. It doesn’t matter what I get out of it-it is ALL about Him.

How unselfish we have to become in order to allow God’s will to reign in our lives. Truly I think that the hardest thing I have been battling with God the last week or so has been my selfishness. I think that I deserve this or that because I went through this or that. Because I struggled through life, I deserve to get this blessing. The truth is that there is no blessing or thing on this earth that will EVER compare to the blessing of eternal life that God has gifted us. And that gift we do not even come close to deserving. Because of God’s love and grace we are able to experience eternity in His presence and here I sit thinking that I deserve to have these earthly things given to me to, what? Make me feel better? No-God deserves my whole self, my whole mind, body and spirit and when He says, ‘Go!’ I say ‘Yes, Lord, your will be done.’

This past weekend God laid something on my heart to do, which he actually laid on my heart earlier too, but I said ‘No, thank you.’ (ha.) But this time I said ‘Yes, Lord’. It wasn’t a very strong and enthusiastic ‘Yes’, but nonetheless, it was a ‘yes’. My prayer is that God is glorified and truly this act that He is calling me to is a very humbling and not self-gratifying at all. I pray that God can be lifted high, because He so truly deserves to be. I don’t want to live for myself anymore. I don’t want to hurt those around me anymore because of my self-deserving thinking. I don’t want to say ‘No’ to God anymore even when we don’t know what will come or don’t understand where it is leading. I truly want God’s will to reign in my life. I know this requires sacrifice and daily commitment. I know that I will not always succeed at this calling, but I serve a God who loves and will pick me up when I fall down.  I know that there will be days when I am standing alone with no one but God supporting me and then were will be days where I am surrounded by a great community of witnesses. I want my eyes to be focused on God and God alone. I will strive to focus on the things unseen and not seen-the things that are everlasting and forever, not fleeting. I understand this is a great task I have set before myself and if you are reading this and know me well you probably have your speculations, but I ask that you pray for me. Pray that I am able to seek after God in the midst of struggle, in the midst of the enemy’s attack and stand firm. I know this will not be an overnight change, but with God’s help I can make change day by day, minute by minute.

If you desire to live this life too-I pray for you. I pray for your spirit to be awakened to God’s wonderful and amazing plan for you. And I will be standing right here, cheering you on. Do not be afraid to contact me and even if it just for prayer, I will pray. Let’s not do this alone, let us come before God and allow Him to open up the glory that He has for us.

You are amazing God. Thank you for that still, small voice that you use to speak over our life. Thank you for your love and grace when we say ‘no’ to you. Thank you for the patience you have with us when we are being difficult and your ever so amazing faithfulness to us when we repent and come back to you. I am sorry for all the times I have, and will, say ‘No.’ Hear my heart when I humbly accept the call you place before me and say ‘yes’. Thank you for never leaving us nor forsaking us. You truly are a God that deserves to be exalted high and lived fully for. I am so in love with you and look forward to the road you have placed in front of me…even though I don’t always understand or know what will happen…I choose to trust you. 

I'm not listening to your lies anymore, Devil....

I hate the devil. I hate his scheming ways and how he manipulates truth. I hate how he creeps into our thoughts and makes us doubt the people that we are. I know that today is Mama Monday, but I’ve been dealing with this feeling this past week and today it just hit a high. I’m tired of doubting myself and what I am supposed to be doing. It isn’t just my mom abilities, but also my wife abilities, and my sister and daughter abilities. I have struggled with self-worth most of my life and there have been moments in life where I am pretty good at fighting those issues with truth, but it’s something that I continually struggle with everyday. I was just thinking about this verse in church yesterday because it is one of my favorites and been a part of my life for sometime:

Ephesians 3:20-21  Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

We used these verses at my Dad’s funeral and ever since then, I have loved reading them time and again. But yesterday my pastor brought in up in church- though I honestly can’t remember his exact reason, but in the moment I thought-God I have loved this verse and believed this verse for so many years, but I still feel like I haven’t seen it play out in my life. His answer to me was again, like always, simple…He said, ‘That’s because you are not allowing me to do my work in your life. You are taking over control and not allowing my spirit to move in your life.’ I was amazed at how quick His response came and honestly how humbled it made me feel. I have realized that I have continued to look at my life through my own eyes and the eyes of the world. I have allowed the devil to creep into my mind and manipulate me. I have allowed him to make me believe that if I just try hard enough or work hard enough, I will be able to do anything. Doesn’t this sound familiar? It brings me back to Genesis when sin first entered the world. When Satan tempted Eve and Eve believed his lie-that we are able to ‘Be God’ by ourselves and that God is keeping something from us. I’m tired of this lie; I’m tired of how this lie has taken over our lives and our world. I want to experience God’s power and His ability to do FAR MORE than we could ever ask or imagine. I want to be the best mom, wife, sister, daughter, friend that I can be and the only way I can do that is through the power of Christ. Allowing God to control my life and be the center will bring the ‘immeasurably more’, immeasurably more peace, love, self-control, kindness, patience…all the fruits of the spirit. That is what I want. That is what I want for my family and friends. That is what I want for you-for you to stop believing the lies that Satan is telling you and grasp the great power of Christ. It requires sacrifice and humility, but that sounds a lot better than the unfilled life that the Devil promises. I’ll take the road less traveled; the road that seems small and narrow, because I know that through all the struggle, that road leads to eternal glory with the eternal God.

So take that Devil, throw everything you got at me, I know I will stumble, I know I will struggle, but my eyes are on the everlasting God who’s power is FAR greater than yours and He has already won the battle. He has already won my heart and soul-nothing can separate me from Him-not even your stupid, annoying lies.

God, I am chasing after you. I am allowing your control to reign in my life. I know I will stumble and struggle, but I also know that you are always with me and ready to pick me up when I fall down. Thank you for your grace, thank you for your gift of abundant life. I will strive everyday to let your love overflow me and penetrate my mind so that I look to your truth and am able to combat the lies throw at me.

And to you, reader, I pray for you. I pray over you that you are able to combat the lies that the Devil will in evidently throw at you. I pray that you are seeking His truth and the life that God has for you. It is far greater than the life the Devil has for you. Remember God’s life leads to eternal glory with Him, the Devil’s life leads to eternal pain and suffering-which would you rather chase after? God is with you always and I pray that you experience that today.

You are Stronger than You Think!

Have you ever asked God why He gave you the children He did? If I’m being honest, I ask this question a lot to Him. Not because I don’t love my little girl or that she is super difficult to deal with, it’s more so that I don’t feel qualified or skilled enough to raise her. She is such a strong-willed little girl and just has a way of pushing my buttons…even at 22 months! Though I know this is probably more common than I let myself believe, I just had one of those weeks last week. By Thursday I was texting my husband that I just couldn’t do this anymore. I just couldn’t handle the whining and push back I was getting with Olive. Now this probably more stemmed from my own issues than really what Olive was doing, but have you ever gotten to that point in motherhood? Where you just want to pack up your stuff and go sleep in a quiet, dark hotel room where putting a ‘Do not Disturb’ sign on your door is actually acceptable? That was me by the end of last week.  But thankfully I serve a God that knows my needs and shows up in ways that I can never anticipate. 

I think something that I have learned about motherhood is that we usually are a lot stronger than we think. I just remember thinking that I felt like I couldn’t go on, that I just wanted to go into my room and sleep, but I couldn’t, I had a toddler and myself to take care of. On top of feeling super inadequate last week we had a follow up appointment with an ear, nose and throat doctor on Wednesday to see if Olive needed tubes due to her ear infections the last few months. On Wednesday her ears were clear and not infected, but by Friday we ended up taking Olive into urgent care to only find out she had yet another ear infection. I just couldn’t believe it. I questioned God, ‘Why couldn’t this have come up on Wednesday when we were already here, why do we keep having to deal with this??’ His answer to me was simple. He so lovingly told me, ‘Jordyn, I wanted to show you how strong you really are.’

Now this revelation hit me like a ton of bricks because just a few days earlier I had been struggling with God about my strength. I remember before I had kids how I was a go-getter, and chased after my dreams and didn’t let up. These days I am too tired to bring the laundry downstairs to the washing machine. But in that moment when going to the pharmacy once again, God revealed the strength that I have in him. We don’t know what life is going to throw at us, we don’t know what our kids are going to do today or tomorrow, but when we seek after God and pursue His strength, we will surprise ourselves at how strong we really are. 

Now I know that this is a season of my life-having little babies and making little babies, but even in the seasons where we feel weak or unproductive, God still has something for us. Our strength may look a little different or we may have to ask for help a little more often, but that is not a sign that we have failed or are not doing enough. God has a way of showing up in the everyday, sometimes annoying, situations in life. My husband so graciously reminded me that Jesus so often taught his disciples through parables, not clear and concise stories. Sometimes I think He did that so we did the searching and not just let things fall into our lap. We all will have our difficult days; days where we break down time after time, but remember that God created you for this and He will give you the strength you need to get through the situations. All we need to do it call out to him. 

On our way home from the doctor Friday night, I told my husband that I think God gave me Olive to remind me just how strong I really am. I am not a perfect mom, by no means, but in Christ I can do all things. So the next time you are having a tough day, or your littles are driving you crazy, take that moment and cry out to God. Allow Him to encounter your chaos and give you peace. I am still tired today, but I must say, I have a new found strength that is not really in the form of energy, but more patience. I see myself not getting so worked up anymore. So let that be an encouragement to you-God does really show up in the everyday and remember, you ARE stronger than you think you are! Praying for you all today! Happy Mama Monday! 

Where does your help come from?

I feel like I am singing the same song these days, but boy am I exhausted! I mean I guess being almost 9 months pregnant with a very active toddler who has recently decided that she does not want to sleep by herself and is very clingy would do that to you. I had a breakdown to my husband early this week about this-being exhausted. I was telling him how I felt like I couldn’t be there for my daughter the way she needed because I can barely get down to the floor to play with her or go to a fun store because just the thought of taking her in and out of the car makes me tired. He was asking me what I needed and how he could help. I told him that I needed help; I just wanted to be able to take a nap during the day without worrying about what Olive would get into. I laid in bed complaining to him about my circumstances and his response was ‘Let’s pray!’ As much as I love my husband for having that response, I was a little annoyed at first. I thought, ‘what is prayer going to do for me in this moment?!’ (Real Christian response huh? Ha.) But as he was praying for me and laying hands on my belly, God reminded me of something I had heard at church this past Sunday. Our pastor was telling a story of an interaction he had with his niece over the weekend. He and his family had celebrated Christmas over Thanksgiving so the kids had some presents to open. His niece was trying to open one of her toys that had those ridiculous packaging contraptions, and she couldn’t get it open. So she walked up to our pastor and asked him to help her with it. Our pastor went and got a scissors and was able to easily open it up. He said that instead of getting frustrated trying to open the toy all by herself-which she probably never would have been able to, she went to an adult-someone she knew would be able to help-and got exactly what she needed. Our pastor compared this to how we sometimes deal with God. Do you go to him when we need help and allow him to work in our circumstances, or do we spend all this time and energy trying to fix something we will not be able to do ourselves.

So while Mutzie was praying for me I realized that the help that I need is waiting right in front of me every day. All I need to do is come to the feet of Jesus and allow him to encounter my exhaustion and work in ways that I cannot do myself. The thing is that I haven’t necessarily gotten all that much sleep or been all that more active during the day, but I will say that I have a peace in me that allows me to give myself grace when I can’t do the things I want. I do have the patience to give myself and my daughter when the days get long. I know that I can call upon my Heavenly Father ANYTIME and He will answer me. Spending time in His presence, listening to worship music and allowing it to fill our home-those are ways to allow God to ‘help’ you.

I don’t know what your circumstances look like today or this week, but I know that if you need help, if you need a sense of peace to overwhelm you-call on your Father. Humble yourself and allow you to fall at the feet of grace and partake in the goodness that is our God. It takes work, it takes a willingness to look at things differently, but I do know that in the end, it’s all worth it.

I will probably be singing this ‘exhaustion song’ for awhile since I don’t imagine my sleep getting all that better after baby #2 comes, but I know where my help comes from, I know where I get my strength from and that alone will allow me to find joy and peace in the daily grind. I pray this over you today-that you may find strength and help from your Father in heaven who so freely gives to His children and desires to be there for you-if you only allow him to be. Praying for you all today. Remember, God always has something extraordinary for you to experience, let’s go out there and find it! 

Psalm 121 (NIV)

¹ I lift up my eyes to the mountains—

    where does my help come from?

² My help comes from the Lord,

    the Maker of heaven and earth.

³ He will not let your foot slip—

    he who watches over you will not slumber;

⁴ indeed, he who watches over Israel

    will neither slumber nor sleep.

⁵ The Lord watches over you—

    the Lord is your shade at your right hand;

⁶ the sun will not harm you by day,

    nor the moon by night.

⁷ The Lord will keep you from all harm—

    he will watch over your life;

⁸ the Lord will watch over your coming and going

    both now and forevermore.