What does it really mean to say, 'Not my will but yours be done, Lord'?

I’ve spent the majority of my life doing what I wanted. I’ve never had been a super rebellious person, I mean I did go through a little bit of a ‘wild’ stage in college, but nothing crazy. Most of my decisions seemed to line up with a Godly perspective and I felt good about all the things I was doing. I was doing ministry and living out my faith, in what I thought, was a great way. It wasn’t until a couple years ago that I started this prayer of ‘Not my will, but yours be done, Lord’. Now I probably started praying this prayer because I thought it was the ‘Christian’ thing to do and not really understanding fully what that prayer really meant. This prayer has really rocked my world. I have gone through a lot in the last 2-3 years. I am just a couple weeks out from having our second baby but I have actually been pregnant 4 times in the last 2 years (2 miscarriages and 2 full term pregnancies-I’m 37 weeks right now), and that alone has been an emotional roller coaster. But on top of the whole becoming a mom thing, I have went back and then quit my old job, tried to start my own business, battled through some tough relationships, went through a financial overhaul, and so much more and a lot of these things I am still working through. Even before these past few years I have walked through a lot-losing my dad suddenly in college, transferring colleges twice, building then loosing then building friendships, getting married, the list goes on and on. But since praying the prayer for God’s will to reign in my life I have realized something: The life I was living before was a good life, my faith was strong, God was doing great things in my life, but my foundation wasn’t really in Him. My highs were really high and my lows were really low. My emotions were taking over how I was responding to the circumstances in my life. My life was unstable, therefore I was unstable. I was all over the place.

Now this ‘emotions taking over’ is still something that I struggle with-especially being pregnant- but the Lord just recently revealed something to me. I have been making everything about me. I was taking everything personally and unable to find my true self in my circumstances, because I was putting my identity in how my circumstances were rather than the security and foundation of Christ. I just started reading this book, along with some of my other family members called ‘What Happens When Women say Yes to God’ by Lysa TerKeurst (she is an amazing author, by the way). I am literally only a chapter in, but God has already wrecked me. Lysa tells story after story about when she started saying ‘Yes’ to that still, small voice and the ripple effect that it had not only in her life but the lives around her. She thought about all the times she heard that voice and had told God ‘No’-what opportunities did she miss out on? And as I sat there reading it, I could think of at least 2 opportunities just that previous week that I heard that voice calling me to do something and I said ‘No, I’m too busy’ ‘No, that’s not really God’ ‘No, what am I going to get out that?’.

It has always been about me. It has been about what I get out of circumstances, how it will impact my life, etc. I hadn’t taken the time to think about the story that God had in all of it. I’m not in charge, I’m not in control…if I am really praying the prayer ‘Your will be done, not mine, Lord’ then I am supposed to be following God’s calling and leading. It doesn’t matter what I get out of it-it is ALL about Him.

How unselfish we have to become in order to allow God’s will to reign in our lives. Truly I think that the hardest thing I have been battling with God the last week or so has been my selfishness. I think that I deserve this or that because I went through this or that. Because I struggled through life, I deserve to get this blessing. The truth is that there is no blessing or thing on this earth that will EVER compare to the blessing of eternal life that God has gifted us. And that gift we do not even come close to deserving. Because of God’s love and grace we are able to experience eternity in His presence and here I sit thinking that I deserve to have these earthly things given to me to, what? Make me feel better? No-God deserves my whole self, my whole mind, body and spirit and when He says, ‘Go!’ I say ‘Yes, Lord, your will be done.’

This past weekend God laid something on my heart to do, which he actually laid on my heart earlier too, but I said ‘No, thank you.’ (ha.) But this time I said ‘Yes, Lord’. It wasn’t a very strong and enthusiastic ‘Yes’, but nonetheless, it was a ‘yes’. My prayer is that God is glorified and truly this act that He is calling me to is a very humbling and not self-gratifying at all. I pray that God can be lifted high, because He so truly deserves to be. I don’t want to live for myself anymore. I don’t want to hurt those around me anymore because of my self-deserving thinking. I don’t want to say ‘No’ to God anymore even when we don’t know what will come or don’t understand where it is leading. I truly want God’s will to reign in my life. I know this requires sacrifice and daily commitment. I know that I will not always succeed at this calling, but I serve a God who loves and will pick me up when I fall down.  I know that there will be days when I am standing alone with no one but God supporting me and then were will be days where I am surrounded by a great community of witnesses. I want my eyes to be focused on God and God alone. I will strive to focus on the things unseen and not seen-the things that are everlasting and forever, not fleeting. I understand this is a great task I have set before myself and if you are reading this and know me well you probably have your speculations, but I ask that you pray for me. Pray that I am able to seek after God in the midst of struggle, in the midst of the enemy’s attack and stand firm. I know this will not be an overnight change, but with God’s help I can make change day by day, minute by minute.

If you desire to live this life too-I pray for you. I pray for your spirit to be awakened to God’s wonderful and amazing plan for you. And I will be standing right here, cheering you on. Do not be afraid to contact me and even if it just for prayer, I will pray. Let’s not do this alone, let us come before God and allow Him to open up the glory that He has for us.

You are amazing God. Thank you for that still, small voice that you use to speak over our life. Thank you for your love and grace when we say ‘no’ to you. Thank you for the patience you have with us when we are being difficult and your ever so amazing faithfulness to us when we repent and come back to you. I am sorry for all the times I have, and will, say ‘No.’ Hear my heart when I humbly accept the call you place before me and say ‘yes’. Thank you for never leaving us nor forsaking us. You truly are a God that deserves to be exalted high and lived fully for. I am so in love with you and look forward to the road you have placed in front of me…even though I don’t always understand or know what will happen…I choose to trust you.