The Conviction
September has been a really hard month for our family. We have
dealt with sickness after sickness and it has really taken a toll on me. My attitude
has been horrible and I found myself with no purpose or vision for what life
was looking like. I complained time and time to my husband, I had little
patience for my daughter and my self-esteem was nowhere to be found. It was
amazing to me how down I got on myself.
Last Sunday we got called out of church because our daughter
wouldn’t calm down in the nursery. I prayed to God…’What is happening, why is
Olive so upset, why is everything feeling so crazy right now??’ His answer was
so gracious and loving, but full of great conviction. He asked me, ‘Jordyn, if
you want to be the rock for your family why would they be acting normal if you
are acting so chaotic and abnormal?’
As I pondered this statement, I knew God was right (but isn’t
he always. Ha. ). I have prayed about being the rock for my family-as a wife
and mother. I want to bring peace and stability to my family, so why would I
think if I am not bringing that to myself, that my family would experience
those things. I had to make a change in how I dealt with the stresses and chaos
that life would ultimately bring.
The Challenge
So after I realized the conviction God laid on my heart, He followed
it up with a challenge. He challenged me to put Him first during the week-to seek
Him when life got hard and to dive into His word to look for answers. The thing
about this is that I know that is what you do when life gets hard, but for the
weeks leading up to this challenge, I was so against hearing from God. I didn’t
want to hear the same thing over again ‘I am with you’, ‘Do not fear’, ‘I have
a great plan for you’. I didn’t want to hear it because I didn’t think I was
worth those promises. So last Sunday I humbled myself and accepted God’s
challenge. I decided that no matter what happened, I was going to bring it all
to God. I was going to do my daily devotion, even if it was only 10 mins, but I
was going to seek God in all things.
Here’s the thing guys-Monday came (the day after I made this
commitment) and both my daughter and my husband came down with a new sick
sickness. I ended up taking my daughter to urgent care to find out she had an
ear infection and then we had to go back to the doctor on Wednesday when she
developed a rash. My life circumstances didn’t change much from the weeks
before. I still had chaos in my life, I still had a lot of the same stresses
that I had before, but my attitude changed. My mind was no longer in the
craziness of life; it was rooted in the power of Jesus.
The Change
I love following Christ. I love all the things I have
learned about Him and myself through the journey. But what I have learned is
that it is not always smooth sailing. Yesterday my pastor was talking about
when Jesus walks on the water (Matt. 22-33) and how the storm in that story is
normal-there’s nothing abnormal about experiencing a storm. It’s when you look
past your circumstance and focus on Jesus when the supernatural happens.
I learned from this challenge that our circumstances may not
change all that much when we focus our eyes on Jesus, but it’s our attitude and
outlook that can change. It was really hard for me to continue to focus on the
sickness that overtook our family. I am 25 weeks pregnant and sleep is not my
friend these days, so I am exhausted. I don’t have the patience and energy to
be taking care of everyone in my family 24/7, I need time for myself too, but
this week as I leaned further and further into Christ, I was able to get energy
from Him even when I was up most of the night with either my clingy baby or my
coughing husband. What’s amazing about learning a new discipline in our faith
is that it doesn’t take just one time to learn it. You have to practice and
practice. I know that this is only the beginning of constantly putting Christ
first, but what an encouraging week to remind myself of when life gets chaotic
again.
So full disclosure here-when I was originally typing this
post up, I was sitting at my dining room table, facing my kitchen. I looked up
and saw a mouse run across our stove, onto our counter and back behind the
wall. This was the second mouse I saw in the last week. Good news: we ended up
catching both of them and we haven’t seen any more since! Bad News: my reaction
was horrible. I freaked out; I called my husband hysterical and crying,
complaining about what to do, etc.
How real is it that in one moment we can talk about changing
our attitude towards things and in the next, we are doing the exact opposite. For so many years I have tried so hard to
change things about myself. I would be doing so well and feel so encouraged,
until that one time where I had a slip up and reacted the way I had been so
hard trying not to do. Over my years and facing these circumstances with true
honesty, I realized that I was not accepting the grace that God was offering
me. I was being so hard on myself that one mistake made me doubt and question
all the work I put in and send me back to step one.
I’ve learned about the importance of grace in learning
periods like this. If we truly want to become more like Christ, we have to
accept the grace. We have to know that we will make mistakes and fall short.
But by the grace of God we are able to rise above those missteps and overcome
them. God will give you the resources you need. Mine was my amazing husband
reminding me of no matter what happens, God has overcome this world and he
spoke truth into my life.
I encourage you to focus on God this week. Focus on His
truth and grace. Focus on the life that he has for you. Life is going to be
full of storms, full of unexpected curve balls, but if we continue to focus our
attention on the Lord of Lords, Creator of the Universe, our Abba Father- those
storms may just impact us a little less. Don’t walk this alone. Reach out to
the resources God has placed in your life, and if you don’t know who that may
be, I am always here for you. You are prayed for, cared for and loved more than
you will know. God has a great plan for you.
Romans 3:23, John 16:33, Jeremiah 29:11
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